Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race
2019 Race Report: Real Spacewives of Uranus

Team Goes to Eleven won the Art Award for Real Spacewives of Uranus, a bold presentation of alien reality TV.

With an efficient drive train and large wheels, their 6 pilots had plenty of power on pavement.

At the water, Cheryl the Spacewife diva took her miniature Fifi out for the call of nature. The Rampmaster observed incredulously as the pink poodle emitted small bright candy nodules.

Under the official rules

“Each Sculpture must carry at all times 1 comforting item of psychological luxury heretofore referred to as the ‘Homemade Sock Creature’ (HSC). Homemade Sock Creature must be made in a home, from a not-too-recently-worn sock from the home, and resemble a creature homemade from a sock.”

For their miniature Fifi, judges awarded the Spacewives the Sock Creature of the Universe award. There was no word from the judges on whether its candied excretory antics were a factor.

Immediately after entering the water, things got dicey. With asymmetrical weight, the port pontoon went completely underwater leading to the dreaded pontoon effect as the front steering section jackknifed to the left. Pilots, crew, and a kinetic photographer on the ramp scrambled to shift weight to starboard and right the vessel.

Spacewives’ pushing and pulling were ultimately successful. KineticBaltimore.com photographer Johanna also leant a hand for stabilization while continuing to take photos.

The front 2 pilots didn’t stayed in the water along the pier.

You can see the paddlewheel for water propulsion, and the rudder for steering. (Pilots dropped the rudder control in the mayhem.)

Further adventure awaited at the sand. Perhaps jinxed by reports the 2019 sand was easy and short, miscommunication among pilots resulted in full speed ahead for the rear pilots while Cheryl was again taking Fifi for a walk. To avoid Cheryl, the front pilots steered into the hay bales, breaking the right-side steering linkage. They managed to patch the weld back together with bolts to limp to the finish line.

After the sand, mud was easy.

Kinetic Sculpture Races use a LeMans Start in which pilots start the race separated from their vehicles. In Baltimore, pilots linger halfway up Federal Hill until the sound of the starting gong, then race down the hill into their sculptures down Covington Street.

The Art trophy is a big deal. That looks like The Internet Dress in the colors it wasn’t.

This is team Goes to Eleven’s tenth sculpture:

• 2018: Spacecation (Worst Honorable Mention)
• 2015: Menace (Next-to-Last)
• 2014: Toyboxers (Next-To-Last & Sock Creature of the Universe)
• 2013: Byte Me (Best Bribes)
• 2012: Poseidon’s Adventure
• 2011: Itty Bitty Charm City (Judges’ Discretionary Spirit of Baltimore Award)
• 2009: Rat Rod
• 2008: Rat Rod (Grand Mediocre Champion)
• 2007: Goes to Eleven