Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race
2019 Race Report: Jemicy’s The Cutlery, EGGsistential Crisis, Wassssabi, & Grillax

The Jemicy School of Baltimore brought four entries this year. The first was The Cutlery, with three fat-tire bikes mounted together.

When three bikes are mounted together, they always maintain perfect formation.

Note the pontoon hoops are swiveled up for better ground clearance.

Since fat tire bikes became commercially available, we at KineticBaltimore are surprised there aren’t a lot more of them in the race.

The coach conferred with Sister O’Blivion about the rules.

Human feet are prohibited as wheel chocks, so they mounted fake feet on sticks to use as chocks.

Another Jemicy sculpture, EGGsistential Crisis experienced the greatest trauma from DPW’s Merciless Bollard. At Federal Hill they were the fastest multi-pilot sculpture, ahead of the pack. As they rounded the northwest corner, they avoided the low-hanging tree branches by shifting to the right. They saw a lightweight orange traffic barrel, like dozens they’d passed on Key Highway. Trying to keep up speed, they expected to knock it off the racecourse. However, instead of being pushed aside by a swift nudge, the barrel concealed the unmoving bollard, which broke their steering column and ultimately ended their quest for ACE.

While the award for “Most Interesting Water Entry” often goes to the greatest water catastrophe, this year the judges awarded Golden Flipper to EGGsistential Crisis for getting the whole crowd to do the chicken dance, then succeeding mightily across the water.

Sculptures going for ACE have to carry all equipment with them at all times. EGGsistential Crisis needed their gnarly tires only for the mud, so for most of the race they were mounted high.

They swapped tires for the mud. The bollard-broken steering column was aggravated further by the mud, so the team had to quit the racecourse at Patterson Park.

Receiving the Golden Flipper.

Also from Jemicy, lightweight Wassssabi was first across the finish line, and with no speed penalties handily won the Speed award and one of only 2 ACE awards this year.

When trying to ACE, pontoon height is critical to ensure the wheels have traction to exit the water.

Receiving the Speed trophy. Wassssabi was so fast, even our photographers couldn’t keep up and missed it crossing the finish line.

Jemicy's other solo-pilot sculpture Grillax was raced by a veteran alumnus who came back to teach the next class. He won the only other ACE in 2019.

Jemicy has entered 66 sculptures over 16 years:

• 2018: Wenda, Waldo, and Odlaw
• 2017: Open Wide Here Comes the Plane, Like Peas in a Pod, You Scream Ice Cream!, and Doughnut Get in My Way
• 2016: Boogie Man, Cry Babies, Dragon Racer, Pocket Monster, Hydra, Math-lete, Flying Phoenix, Little Krach, and Ancient Hooptie
• 2015: Stripes, Safari Hon, Cheetah Cheetah Pumkin Eatah, and Snake Rattle & Roll
• 2014: Going for Ace of Cakes, Cake Boss, Takes the Cake, Icing on the Cake, Have Your Cake and Eat It Too, and It’s my Daddy’s Beemer and I’ll Cry if I Want To
• 2013: You Know the Drill, Hammer Time, and Gut Wrencher
• 2012: Traffic Jam, Jeepers, Going Postal, Hot Rod, and Keep On Truckin’
• 2011: Vechysvboat, Einherjar, Odin, Ve and Vidar, Buri, and Brunehilde
• 2010: Veke Versa Boat, Squid Man, Kraken, Cabrena Octopus & Calamari
• 2009: Critter, Lady Jaye, Low Rider Max, Sneaky Moose, and Philly Flyer
• 2008: Revelation, The Sneaky Moose, and Viscar Boot Attempt #3
• 2007: Valkin Visker Bote II, Daisy Pushers, Subdude
• 2006: Subdude and Dia de la Ardilla Muerta
• 2005: Big Baby, Gerbil & Chariot, and Viking & Moose
• 2004: Valking Viscar Boot

Jemicy crew and pilots bore thematic chefwear.