Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race |
Saturday 1 May 2004
Remastered & expanded March 2026
The weather was fabulous in Baltimore on May 1 for the 2004 Kinetic Sculpture Race. Cool enough that wearing a beaver suit was feasible, and warm enough that a tyvek suit was enough to keep the mudmongers comfortable. Everything was ideal for the opening ceremony, starting with Kinetic Glorious Founder Hobart Brown, and continuing with Blessing of De Feet by Kinetic Brother Joe Wall. But later on, the wind picked up enough to provoke mayhem on the water....
Postscript from 2026: I’ve added many more photos from this iconic year, expanded them, and noted some big changes in the race and the city over the past 22 years.
The most innovative design of 2004 was the Cirque de Sore Legs, a 3-car circus train from Frank Conlan and the Make Believers who created
the Mad Hatter’s Teapot the prior year. The front locomotive included a loud bell and two engineers; the second car a lion tamer and a lion; and the third car Madame Lolly next to a circus bear.
Have you ever seen a train cow catcher reflected so gloriously on the water?
What followed is one of the most famous stories in Baltimore Kinetic history, told here in photos.
In 2004, sculptures entered on the eastern side of the pier, before switching to the western side in later years. Their progress started out smooth, chugging alongside the pier. Then from nowhere came a great, sustained gust of wind. Since trains are built without keels (presumably to avoid damaging the track), Cirque de Sore Legs was blown far off course toward the huge petroleum tanks at the Canton Transloading Operating Facilities.
They were the first sculpture needing rescue
since 2001 when Fifi headed for the main sea. The valiant Baltimore Police tied a line to the locomotive, intending to tow the whole 6-person ensemble back to the pier.
Frank and Tom Bruni were good engineers, but these design requirements hadn’t included a tow on the water under heavy opposing wind. The two passenger cars uncoupled from the locomotive!
As the Baltimore police boat tugging the locomotive pulled further away from the passenger cars, the crowd roared when Frank activated smoke out of the locomotive smokestack.
Jack Boyson and Kathryn Shulman had brought their tandem kayak for a relaxing day as water-borne spectators. But seeing these loose train cars headed for the rocks, they jumped into action. Thanks to another tow line, they pulled the remaining train to safety with their tandem kayak. (This is why every sculpture is required to have at least one tow lineF.)
Jack and Kathryn unexpectedly founded the Baltimore Kinetic Kayak Patrol, a key regiment of the Kinetic Volunteer Corps every year since.
The eminent Hobart Brown chose and presented to the Cirque his Spirit of the Glorious Founder Award. Not surprisingly, as crowd favorite they also won the People’s Choice Award.
And for providing a story for the record books, the Cirque also won Golden Dinosaur Award, for the most memorable breakdown. Decades later, their story is told as an example to new Kinetic volunteers.
With phenomenal costumes, the Coo Koos from Towson University had birds and eggs in a luxurious rolling nest chasing a worm on a stick.
Paddles matched their eggs.
Enthusiastic pit crew also had spectacular costumes, looking as good as a professional theater company.
Judges often remind racers, “T-shirts are not a costume.” This is what they mean.
From above the mud pit on the casino balcony, their sculpture was every bit as impressive.
They won the Art Award for best artistic presentation, the Best Costumes Award for their outlandish avian getups, and Pilots’ Choice Award for impressing the other teams with their amazing spirit.
Postscript from 2026: Does anyone know where these people are now? Tell them to come back!
AVAM’s
Fifi
returned in grand style, having gotten a brand new bright pink coat and a massive new set of water paddles (below).
Postscript from 2026: This was the inner harbor before the Ritz.
Federal Hill got its name in 1789 from a parade celebrating the just-ratified United States Constitution. 215 years later, Fifi celebrated too.
Postscript from 2026: This much simpler skyline has changed a LOT since then.
With her inflatable pontoons reminiscent of the California mother race, Fifi had an easy time on the water. Canton Waterfront Park was only the first water entry on the 2004 racecourse.
This year, Fifi got down and dirty in the mud. In prior years, her team laid rolls of pink bubble wrap atop the mud to keep her precious feet unspoilt.
Postscript from 2026: This race preceded the KineticBaltimore team acquiring ultrawide lenses capable of photographing entire sculptures at this distance.
The Baltimore Museum of Industry provided a steep temporary ramp for the second water entry near the end of the race.
These are Fifi’s massive new water paddles.
Fifi won the Best Bribes Award when two of her crew serenaded the judges on bended knee.
Postscript from 2026: This view of the city no longer exists.
The Carver Coupe came from the Carver Center for the Arts and Technology of Towson. Climbing onto the ramp at the BMI water entry was extraordinarily challenging: the ramp
extended about 20 feet into the water, where it ended well above the harbor bottom. Getting onto and up that steep ramp required extraordinary engineering and/or a huge towing force on the ramp, such as these unshod burly gentlemen. Check out that paint job!
After the BMI water exit, the Coupe frame needed heavy repairs. Fortunately, the Carver Center brought a portable welding kit. Fellow Kinetinaut David Hess helped.
“351” likely refers to the Ford small block V8 engine made from 1969 to 1996.
Among all the sculptures, they had the easiest time in the mud, simply driving through under their pilots’ power. For this success, along with their unique sheet-metal frame, and having a welding kit on hand, they won the Engineering Award.
Don't miss the two miniature Fifis on the front, and the robust aluminum paddlewheels. The Carver Center brought the Volcano in 2003.
The Franklin and Marshall College of Lancaster, Pennsylvania entered La Kafkaracha, demonstrating Kafka's The Metamorphosis: half-cockroach, half-human, all amphibious sculpture.
The shell looked great from above, too.
This
Valking Viscar Boot sculpture looked like an amphibious boat. Not many kinetic sculptures are made of wood. At the start it made painful clacking sounds
lurching down Key Highway. Its pilots ended up pushing it along by manually cranking the wheels with their arms, and it needed a rope tow even on the
slight incline of harbor-side Key Highway.
They were awarded the Worst Honorable Mention, for “half-baked theoretical ‘engineering’ which did not deter its Pilot from the challenge of the race”. The Boot was created by the Valley Academy and Jemicy School of Towson.
The team cheered loudly as they climbed Federal Hill.
On the water, the Boot shone. Its keel proved valuable at the first water entry, as they were one of the few teams not blown eastward at Canton Point.
David and Eli Hess of Phoenix, Maryland brought Louie the Dog for a second year. For most of the race, Louie was far ahead of all other teams—this pooch can really cruise!
On the water at Canton Point,
Louie seemed extremely stable for most of his trip. However, he was riding much lower on his pontoons than last year. When a strong gust caused Louie to pivot and submerge one pontoon, he suddenly suffered from the Pontoon Effect.
He very nearly capsized with the other pontoon mostly out of the water.
Louie’s valiant pilots restored Louie’s balance and paddled back to shore. Way to go Louie! For his amazing dip, Louie won the Golden Flipper Award.
Louie had a rear wheel that helped stabilize on land, hoisted aloft above the water.
Louie needed towing support through the mud.
Here’s Louie getting ready for splashdown at the BMI water entry.
The next year, David brought an all-new sculpture, the soon-to-be-famous PLATYPUS, with the biggest kinetic pontoons ever seen.
The Two-Headed Dragon had two pilots, four heads (total) and four wheels.
Its water propulsion had a curious configuration (or malfunction) requiring one of the pilots to manually crank the aft paddlewheel.
The Dragon’s large, helpful assembly won Best Pit Crew.
For their miniature dragon sculpture (just above the number "9" in the photo), they won Sock Creature of the Universe.
The lightweight painted foam was a brilliant creative touch.
Jimbo Hanson of Woodstock, New York, returned with Beaver Bike II. This year’s weather was sufficiently clement to wear his beaver suit. This lightweight, efficient design pulled out in the lead near the finish line to win the Speed Award.
On the front is written “Be Nice.” and “Have Fun!” Don’t miss the simple blue paddles attached to the rear wheels.
Jimbo also won one of two ACE Awards this year, for following the much stricter ACE rules, including no propulsive assistance from ropes, pushing, towing, pit crew, or other external effort, on land, sea, sand, and mud.
The other Ace Award went to Bob Buerger of Kinetic Airways, with another simple but effective airplane design
wrapped around a recumbent bicycle chassis.
Don’t miss the sock puppet (mandatory) behind the cooler.
The plane popped a wheelie climbing the steep ramp.
Bob cruised through the mud exclusively on pilot leg-power.
Theadora Brack of Paris, France, again piloted the Rat, with a new waterproof coat of plastic tufts. (Last year’s fur coat last became a heavy sponge in the water.)
The Rat won Next-To-Last for coming in right near the end of the race. (It’s easy to be last, but one place ahead of last is a challenge.)
Postscript from 2026: Back then the finish line went up Covington Street. Now they cruise much faster the other way, down through the finish line on Rebecca Hoffberger Way.
One Beer Short of a Six-Pack from Towson University was held afloat by fabulous foam fenders.
This is the only other photo we have.
Also from Towson University was Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag, whose peculiar shell consisted of plastic grocery bags stuffed with more bags.
While it had pontoons, we didn’t see it in the water.
The first sculpture to break down—just across the starting line—was the Widget Mobile.
Don’t miss the kazoo and light bulb, and please get in touch if you know what that hose down the middle is for.
It was the first entry submitted by the Baltimore Museum of Industry. Their repair here was successful, but they didn't finish. Come back next year!
The Baltimore Lab School Art Department submitted The Berserker, this 3-wheeled Viking-themed sculpture.
Things seemed good at the start.
Tragically, about four miles into the race, they broke an axle in a rut. Their sculpture could not continue the race.
The Loco de Trash had two pilots; look closely if you don't see both.
The Loco de Trash also broke down less than a mile into the race. That isn’t a victim they’ve run over—it’s one of their team surveying the situation to see if emergency repairs can be completed.
Last year’s champion, Bedlam returned with their blue and yellow motif. It was created by Bobby Hansson and Bill Lepley of Chloe Fabricating in Punxsutawney.
They needed to dismount and heave to get through the mud, but they finished the race in style.
Here’s the same scene from above.
At home on land and water, The Duck came from the Catholic Community School of Baltimore.
Their pit crew chanted support from shore in light blue shirts. You can see the Duck’s primary paddles, but when one of those broke, emergency backup paddles mounted directly on the pedal crankshaft proved invaluable.
In the mud when the Duck turned 90 degrees and got stuck, the pit crew swarmed in to help and provide interpretive dance.
The Frog returned for a third year, demonstrating
its amphibious nature emerging from the water at the Baltimore Museum of Industry.
The Frog’s inverted bowl over the two pilots made it hard to see them, and obscured their view as well.
The Frog suffered a tragic ophthalmological incident near the end of the race.
The Visionary Art Museum’s Bumpo the elephant was back, including a pantyhose sock puppet Mahatma Gandi accompanied by a turbaned human up top.
Be sure to wear a life preserver on the water.
Things got a little messy.
Bumpo’s pachyderm mechanics and spectacular art won this year’s National Mediocre Championship
Brother Kinetic blessed “de feet” of the Kinetinauts before the race.
Glorious Founder of the original Kinetic Sculpture Race Hobart Brown came 3,000 miles from his Ferndale, California gallery to see our Baltimore race.
Here are the trophies before the race.
Judges Kim and Ed presenting awards.
Postscript from 2026: She’s been gone only a year now, but we really miss Kim.
This photo is out of focus, but it’s the best we have of Hobart Brown presenting with Judge Ed at the 2004 outdoor awards ceremony. Years later, with a top hat and suit coat over train engineer overalls, it’s kinda how we remember him.
These Kinetic photographs were taken by
Dave Hershberger,
Jen Williams,
Tom Jones, and
Karen Wallace.
This year's photos were featured on Slashdot and Metafilter, among other places.
You can also see some great photos and descriptions of the race on Ellin Beltz's website.