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Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race
Official Kinetic Sculpture Race Rules



Here's a Sculpture!

OFFICIAL SPECTATOR CODE OF CONDUCT

  1. Hands, equipped with white gloves should be waved vigorously over head whenever viewing Kinetic Sculptures or when on camera.
  2. Tall Spectators must take care to stand in back row when witnessing Glorious Events. On no account should Spectators throw their bodies in the path of oncoming Sculptures.
  3. Cardboard Grin must be worn at all times when personal misery or state of mind interferes with maintaining a normal happy smile.
  4. Be sure to remove lens cap from camera before serious picture-taking.
  5. Eat a good breakfast for extra stamina for the day’s rigorous events.
  6. Littering, if it fits your character, is OK. However, see Official Spectator Code of Conduct rule #10.
  7. Refrain from pushing or otherwise assisting Sculptures while Race Officials are watching.
  8. Do not tie up Port-a-Potties in order to apply makeup or to eat lunch or to escape inclement weather.
  9. You are a Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Spectator Ambassador to the World. Remember that local, national, and international cameras are on you (your mother is watching). It is your Kinetic Duty to represent our Glorious City with Dignity and Distinction.
  10. At the end of the day, Spectators shall pick up all litter, depositing same in suitable receptacles. Kinetic Sculpture Race Officials, Pilots, Pit Crew, Barnacles, and Spectators are very tidy people. Furthermore, this is the only Glorious City we’ve got to race in. If you are derelict in your Spectator Duties, this Glorious race will be banished from this Glorious Kingdom of Baltimore.

THE TEN OFFICIAL & VERY SIMPLE KINETIC SCULPTURE RACE RULES

A No.1. HOBART’S LAW OF KINETICS

Sculptures must be human-powered! No pulling, pushing, paddling, or other propulsive method is allowed except by Official Pit Crew and Pilots (sometimes called Kinetinauts). Stored energy is allowed for non-propulsive purposes only. It is legal to get assistance from the natural power of water, wind, sun, and gravity and friendly extraterrestrials.

A1a. LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS RULE

All Official Pilots, Pit Crew, and Barnacles in the race must accept and sign the waiver of all responsibility (Waiver Of All Responsibility Form).

#1. IRS RULE

Entry forms, waiver sheets and entry fees must be turned in by the proper deadline in order to receive any fringe benefits, like official stuff you need for the race.

1b. GEOMETRIC NEW MATH PRE-CALCULUS LAW OF PROPORTIONS

Each Sculpture must be no more than 8 feet wide, 13 feet high and 35 feet long while on the road or highway

1+. PERSONAL SECURITY RULE

Each Sculpture must carry at all times 1 comforting item of psychological luxury heretofore referred to as the “Homemade Sock Creature” (HSC). Homemade Sock Creature must be made in a home, from a not-too-recently-worn sock from the home, and resemble a creature homemade from a sock. (penalty: 1 hour)

2B. OR NOT TO BE

You may not start the race until you have passed THE Official Safety Inspection! Inspections will be handled by the Baltimore City Police Department, Baltimore City Fire Department, Dock Master, Ramp Master, Kinetic Kops, and/or the Kinetic Safety Check Committee, all of whom are tough cookies. Inspections will also be conducted at the water entry, and as needed along the race course. The following safety equipment must be on board at all times. Citations will be issued for lost equipment! (penalty: 1 hour)

  • Approved warning triangle, 12”x12”
  • Coast Guard approved life preservers, one for each person on board the sculpture in the water
  • Operable and functioning brakes
  • Affixed tow ring, attached firmly to the front of the Sculpture close to the center, strong enough to heave the entire sculpture through and out of the water, mud, and other terrain
  • Drinking water (1 quart per pilot)
  • Paddle or Oar
  • Horn
  • First Aid Kit containing band-aids and antibacterial cream or wipes
  • A cell phone ready to receive urgent race-related calls—for which the number must be given to the race director
  • Each Pilot must have available an approved bicycle helmet on the Sculpture. At your own risk, you may wear other protective headgear including hard hats or batters’ helmets during the race.

2 +or-. TWO’S COMPANY RULE

Each Sculpture must have 1 or more Pilots. Each Pilot must have 1 human Pit Crew member. Each Sculpture may have up to 1 human Barnacle.

2.1 I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON LAW OF NATURE

All Law Enforcement orders must be followed in cases of hazardous conditions. (penalty: Banishment)

2bad. I FOUGHT THE LAW AND THE LAW WON LAW OF THE ROAD

All Law Enforcement orders must be followed and all Sculptures must follow the rules of the road. A Maryland Vehicle Code Violation resulting in a citation issued by an official law enforcement agent also carries a Kinetic penalty. (penalty: 1 hour)

2big2b4gotten. PACK MULE RULE

All special terrain equipment must be on board the Sculpture at all times. (penalty: 2 hours)

2C. SELF-EXPLANATORY EXPLANATION REGULATION

Your Sculpture must not be dangerous or harmful to yourself or anything else in the world. Projectiles such as arrows, anchors, and grappling hooks fall into this category and are not allowed.

2D. SAFETY OF OTHERS RULE

No Sculpture may carry on board any potentially dangerous items without receiving permission from the Race Director before the race begins. Your sculpture will be travelling through crowds of fans, who must not be harmed.  (The best ways to locate the Race Director to discuss these matters are at volunteer meetings, or via telephone or email.)

2D or not 2D. MOM’S HIGH ANXIETY RULE

Make sure you can get out of your Sculpture in an emergency. Each Pilot must have a quick exit path. In addition, life jackets must be worn while on the water! You will not be allowed to begin a water crossing unless you are wearing a life jacket.

Go2. NO PUSHING AT START REGULATION

The Kinetic Sculpture race begins at AVAM with a LeMans start. Pit Crews or spectators are not to assist Pilots at the start. (penalty: 1 hour)

2go go. VARIATION ON A THEME OF NO PUSHING REGULATION

No pulling or pushing on Race course allowed except by Official Pit Crew and Pilots. Exception: in any Official-designated Push/Rope areas.

2 4/3. POETIC KINETIC LICENSE

Your Official Kinetic License Plate must be visible on your Sculpture at all times. The name of your Sculpture should be visible to spectators, the major TV networks, local TV Crews, glossy magazine writers, Kinetic Kops, Officials, Posse, and Judges.

3. GILLIGAN’S DRIFT LIMIT

The drift limit in the Harbor is to be set by the Coast Guard and/or Ramp Master. If you drift out of limits the Coast Guard or Posse will tow you back on course so as not to lose you to the High Seas. (penalty: 1 hour)

3D. DRAFT HOGGER REGULATION

No drafting of motor vehicles on land or water. (penalty: 1 hour)

4xoxo. KINETINAUT CODE OF CONDUCT

Harassment of Officials is disallowed. Officials are doing the best they can. If things are not going your way, take it personally—they are picking on you. Pilots, Pit Crews, and Officials will not involve themselves in incidents of kicking, biting, scratching, or fisticuffs. Anyone engaging in such outrageous activities is not honored, but disgraced. (penalty: 1 hour or Banishment)

4#@!%. HONK AND PASS POLITENESS LAW

Sculptures honked upon must yield right-of-way and pull aside at the first opportunity to allow faster moving sculptures to pass. Passing pilots should gesture or display an obligatory sign of gratitude.

5. THE ROSIE RUIZ RULE

All ACE Sculptures must stay on the course at all times. Only Official Kinetic Shortcuts allowed.

5A. MOTHER’S BIG : LITTLE RATIO

At least one adult Pilot (over the age of 18 and having signed a Waiver of All Responsibility<) must be on board Sculpture at all times while traveling the course. (penalty: Banishment)

6. ARMAND’S ARM AND LEG LAW

To become an ACE Pilot and receive the title of Most Visionary Professor and other accolades, your sculpture must be ridden by all Pilots at all times over the entire course. Therefore, at no time (including water entry and exit) can your sculpture be pushed, pulled, or otherwise propelled along the course by Pilots and/or Pit Crew except in any designated “Legal Push/Rope” areas. Your Sculpture may be moved sideways or backwards, either by Pilots or Pit Crew or both to areas to perform repairs or to gain better course conditions or to clear the course. In addition, no gadgets, such as skis, snowshoes, boards, etc. attached to your feet will be considered part of the sculpture. (penalty: 3 hours)

7.007. REAL THING/RIGHT STUFF RULE

For the pilots on a sculpture to receive ACE status, no relief pilots will be allowed under any circumstances during timed competition. Pilots must stay with their Sculpture and are not allowed to ride on Pit Crew vehicle while Sculpture is progressing the course. In other words, you may not rotate pilots during the race. (penalty: loss of ACE status and 1-hour penalty)

7 1/2. THE AGONY OF DE FEAT LAW: THE NO TOWING RULE

An ACE Sculpture must negotiate the course without assistance from any motorized vehicle. Receiving a tow suggests engineering improvements are required. Back to the old drawing board, and better luck next year! (exception: See rule 3, Gilligan’s Drift Rule)

8. THE DRUNK, DRANK, OR STILL DRINKING RULE

The consumption of alcoholic beverages or use of controlled substances by any pilot or Pit Crew member while on the course shall result in Banishment. It’s not nice, and besides it’s unsightly in the eyes of spectators who look up to Kinetic Sculpture People with awe and wonderment, and it’s against the law pertaining to all road negotiating vehicles and sculptures. Sculptures in violation of this rule will be confiscated by strict Race Officials. The same is true for any Sculpture carrying any alcoholic beverage container, whether full or empty, excepting empty containers picked up as litter. (penalty: Banishment)

8ball. 8%TOTAL BODY WETNESS RULE

Pilots are only allowed 8% total area of body/clothes wetness. The point here is to stay out of the Harbor waters. Therefore every effort should be made to keep bodies above the Harbor water line. Wear a good anti-perspirant. (penalty: 30 minutes)

9.00 ALWAYS TRUE RULE AND ITS COROLLARY FOR THOSE WHO DON’T GET IT

In the event of sun, the race will run anyway. In the event of rain, the race will run anyway.

10M. MANDATORY FUN REGULATION!

All Pilots, Pit Crew members, Barnacles, Officials, Spectators, Police, Marine Posse, Timers, and Passersby must put great effort into HAVING FUN! for it is such craziness as this that keeps us all sane.

SPECIAL RULES, REGULATIONS, AWARDS BARNACLE BONUS

For optional collection of additional valuable advantages (usually a time bonus) non-powering humans (*Ages 18-100; with a minimum weight per barnacle of 93 pounds) can be carried aboard on a specially designed “seat” and may essentially be a “passenger” throughout the entire course. Barnacles may not be substituted and must sign the entry and waiver form. Barnacles may not in any way assist in the movement or propulsion of the sculpture and must stay seated while “clocked in” on the course. The Barnacle may direct and encourage the pilots by yelling and being an annoying backseat nudge, but must refrain from using really bad, ugly words. *BARNACLE UNDER 18 REQUIRES A NOTARIZED WAIVER.

THE INEVITABLE EVENTUALITY RULE

In the event the Official Race Course must be altered while the Race is in progress, Diverted Sculptures will receive an appropriate time adjustment (positive or negative) by an Race Official. If the detour is essentially the same as the closed route, then let’s forget the whole thing! In the event of a course change, course closures, or difficult timing problems, etc., Pilots must obey all alternative rules, timing, and course changes set into motion by Race Officials.

Awards

THE ACE AWARD

The ACE Award is the most prestigious individual honor a racer can garner. This prize is a special hand-made medal (think Congressional Medal of Honor, Purple Heart, and Einstein Genius Knights of the Round Table Award). Many of the machines and pilots that race in other parts of the world do so only for this award and eschew any other glory or honors. A pilot who obtains this medal has conquered not only a race course, but his machine, and himself. When an ACE pilot enters a room all must stand to give honor to his or her status and must be addressed as “Most Visionary Professor.”

THE VERY COMPETITIVE NON-COMPETITIVE CATEGORY OF AWARDS GRAND EAST COAST NATIONAL MEDIOCRE CHAMPION

Awarded to the Sculpture and pilot finishing in the middle. At The World Championship in Ferndale, California, you would win a very mediocre classic car, like a 1957 Rambler, which is, in fact, a really nice mediocre prize. But in the Baltimore East Coast National Championships you are guaranteed to win a really mediocre prize.

THE SPIRIT OF THE GLORIOUS FOUNDER AWARDWhat do we do with this? Perhaps rename it "The Spirit of Hobart Award" and have it selected by the group of Seers (who were appointed by Hobart to carry on his spirit) who witness the race?

Granted by the Glorious Founder of the Kinetic Sculpture Race, Hobart Brown, who with his infinite wisdom and mysterious means known only to him, chooses the most worthy winner.

THE NEXT TO THE LAST AWARD

Awarded to the Sculpture and Pilot finishing, well, next to last. That way the end of the race can get pretty exciting.

WORST HONORABLE MENTION

Lowest Award known to Humankind. This is given to the Sculpture whose half-baked theoretical “engineering” did not deter its Pilot from the challenge of the race.

THE GOLDEN DINOSAUR AWARD

Awarded to either the first Sculpture to “breakdown” or the “most memorable breakdown.”

BEST PIT CREW

Awarded and judged by various Officials, and has no real criteria (which reflects the wisdom of Pilots in choosing a pit crew, or conversely, the wisdom of some Pilots’ “friends” in volunteering to be the pit crew.)

BEST COSTUME

Awarded by the The Fashion Police who keep the criteria a closely closeted secret.

PILOTS’ CHOICE AWARD

Awarded to the Pilot receiving the most votes from his fellow Pilots.

GOLDEN FLIPPER AWARD

Awarded to the Sculpture with the most interesting water entry.

THE VERY VERY COMPETITIVE CATEGORY OF AWARDS GRAND OVERALL EAST COAST ACE CHAMPION

The Grand Overall East Coast Ace Champion must ACE the course. The award is determined by Mysterious Mathematical Means which include a point scoring system based on artistic merit, engineering prowess, and blinding speed of the Sculpture. The Sculpture with the highest average score in art, engineering, and speed is the Grand Champion. In the case that the Grand Champion has the highest score in any of the three categories of art, engineering, or speed, then the lesser art, engineering, or speed prize is forfeited in favor of the BIG ONE, to share the Glory, and not hog all the biggest prizes!

THE ART AWARD

Awarded by the Art Judges. Category includes consideration of color, costumes, two and three dimensional “artistic designs,” kinetic motion, humor, theatrical appeal, and mass crowd- and media glory-seeking.

THE TOM BRUNE ENGINEERING AWARD

Awarded by the Engineering Judges.Will this be awarded by specific Engineering Judges (as in 2006), or by the general judges (as in 2007)? Category includes consideration of ingenious conquering of course obstacles through Sculpture design as well as any ingenious facet of the design that functions in a truly unique or Glorious Manner.

THE SPEED AWARD

Awarded to the Sculpture and Pilot with the fastest elapsed course time after any time-penalty infractions have been added.

Your Own Race

To create a Race where you live: East of the Mississippi, call the American Visionary Art Museum, Baltimore at 410.244.1900 or West of the Mississippi, see the contact information at www.KineticGrandChampionship.com. You may have to be persistent to get hold of us, but please do! You can change your own little corner of the universe.

The Baltimore Kinetic Sculpture Race is sponsored and run by the American Visionary Art Museum. KineticBaltimore.com is the volunteer work of Tom Jones.
If you have any suggestions about making this site better, or any questions, you can e-mail Tom at tjones@spril.com.